These are the days when you don't know whether you're coming or going. The days when one thing runs right into another. The days you depend on the alarm, the beep of the clock or someone tugging on your arm to snap you back into reality and keep you moving along to the next task. This is depression and this is how it works.
You wake up in the morning hoping that you opening your eyes is really just a bed dream and that you'll be able to stay there forever...or hoping that everyday is Sunday so you don't have to get up and accomplish much. As the day goes on you wonder why you even got out of bed....was it worth it or would you have been better off just laying their as your bones and muscles take on the shape of the dips and crevices that have formed in the mattress. Food doesn't even seem to matter because it really doesn't bring any comfort any more. Honestly, it doesn't taste good. And when it does, you're already so fat that you probably shouldn't enjoy it anyway. So you stuff yourself, knowing full well that some form of moderation should be exercised and you will, after you've finished the box of cookies. But then you want something salty to eat, so maybe just a few chips. Gosh, the fat and sodium content of these things is over the top. But what the heck. I'll eat them and get them out of the way, then there's no additional temptation. Then your left feeling worse than before you started.
My therapist said "If you find yourself in a hole, quit digging." It's not quite that easy. It seems like something takes hold of me and won't let go despite my best efforts. The may be small glimpses of light, but for the most part, it's a downward spiral. When I am finally able to get things together again and get back up on my feet and among the living. It seems like it was an easy thing to do, but honestly, it was not. I've been given lots of advice but for the past four to five years, it's not been a pleasant situation, at least not on a consistent basis.
The effect on my personal life? I can't say if and how my mood has affected it in a negative or positive way. What I do know is that it does play a part in the way that I interact with the men in my life. I tend to look to them for stability in my mood. However, they are not capable of really providing mood stability since they are quite often the cause of some of the moodiness that I encounter.
So what to do. We'll figure it out.
